This is an ant.  While we were away for 9 days this ant came to visit two cupboards in my house with TEN THOUSAND of his closest friends.  They found my honey jar (Think “fly paper.”  Too gross to share photo.  No joke.)  They found a dang Tootsie Pop that had been forgotten behind some cans of beans.

They marked a four foot trail from the back door to the pantry for so many days that all the Mother Nature-friendly methods of detouring them were almost tossed out the window before I even began.  Just so I could say I tried I put down some cinnamon and drew a thick line of chalk, used a few squirts of Windex and (after removing nearby food and appliances) and then wiped up the dead masses of ants.  I came back 5 (five!!!) minutes later and they had already returned.

I brought out the big guns: Toxic ant spray stuff that I hate to use.  I used it.  They returned. Again.

I teach my children to respect nature.  “Even the critters that seem unpleasant to us serve a purpose for our planet,” I tell them.  I tossed that notion right out the window by my third go on these intruders.

I hate these ants so much I cursed at them!  I did it!  Yes!  I hate them so much I began to take pleasure in their demise.  I fantasized about a magnifying glass and a ray of sunlight.  Then a blow torch.  Then a flame thrower.  Now we’re talkin’…  Go away you stupid little things that serve some purpose somewhere but are not serving any purpose here!  Go away I say!!!

I scrubbed my floors and sprayed one last time and this time I left their tiny little corpses as a warning to any of their ants that may be peering up from whatever crack in my 100-year-old-house’s walls from whence they are coming.  TAKE THAT!  THIS WILL BE YOU IF YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN!!!  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!!?? I DON’T THINK SO!!!!!!!

As I was scrubbing I couldn’t help shake the sensation that I had ants crawling on my arms!  Yipes!  Every hair that brushed my forehead made me twitch and flinch.  Ahhhh!!  I keep imagining them on my body.  Was that one!?  What about that!?

I have checked back and I don’t see any more ants.  I have a fan set up blowing the poisoned air out the door.  Gross.  For now, I will rest.  But just in case any of you (ants, that is) are reading this post over my shoulder: I will come after you again if I have to.